Can a sentence spoken in passing affect the course of a life?
Five writers have recounted comments that, in different ways, changed the way they saw themselves and the world around them.
“You have special needs” – Matt Haig
When he was 14, Matt Haig started at a new school in Newark, Nottinghamshire. It wasn’t the first time he had changed schools, but his teenage years made the experience even more difficult. A few weeks into the school year, his history teacher, Mr Philips, called him in after class and said he thought it would be a good idea for him to attend a class for students with “special needs.”
For a teenager in 1989, in a British public school, such a label was hard to swallow. Haig says that at the time, everything was seen in a categorical way: you were either “normal” or you were “special needs.” He and his parents resisted the suggestion, and he was never transferred to that class. However, the emotional damage had been done.
For years, Haig saw himself as different, as someone who didn't fit in. It wasn't until much later that he realized he was autistic and had ADHD, a diagnosis that came even after his son was diagnosed with autism.
However, the teacher's comment had an unexpected impact. It pushed Haig to focus on history, to prove to his teacher and the world that he was not someone to be left out. He later received a top grade in history and studied the subject at university.
Today, Haig sees that experience differently. He says the problem wasn't neurodivergence, but self-stigma. What once made him feel distant or strange later became a strength that helped him write novels and connect with people.
"You're still healthy" - Megan Nolan
For Megan Nolan, a comment made by a high school administrator was initially perceived as an insult.
She was 15 years old and had fainted after not eating for two days. During that time, she had lost a lot of weight and was struggling with depression and a dangerous relationship with food.
When the administrator said, “You’re still healthy,” Nolan felt hurt. In her mind, being called “healthy” meant something completely different from what she wanted to look or feel like. She erased from her memory the rest of the sentence, where the woman warned her that she wouldn’t be healthy for much longer if she kept it up.
It wasn't until a year later, during her great-grandmother's funeral, that Nolan began to understand that comment differently. Reflecting on aging, her body, and health, she realized that being healthy didn't have to be something offensive or unwanted.
From that moment on, the sentence that had once hurt her became a turning point. She decided to no longer live in a way that turned her health into an enemy.
“I didn't think you could be yourself and be taken seriously” – Yomi Adegoke
Yomi Adegoke recalls one evening at an industry event, where a young woman approached her excitedly and told her she was an inspiration. She was an aspiring writer and told her she admired the fact that Adegoke was a serious journalist but didn't hide behind a rigid image.
The comment, made in a noisy and informal setting, didn't immediately strike him as significant. But the next day, the words stuck with him. Adegoke began to reflect on how he had tried to balance authenticity with professional respect.
As a woman of color who often worked in predominantly white environments, she had always been aware of the risk of being underestimated. For this reason, she felt she had to suppress certain parts of her personality in order to be taken seriously.
Later, she realized that the stranger's comment was among the nicest things anyone had ever said to her. To someone else, Adegoke had become proof that you didn't have to give up on yourself to succeed.
“You eat too much” – Bella Mackie
Bella Mackie remembers a painful comment from her childhood, when she was just eight or nine years old. She was with her mother and sister in a nearby store when the owner's wife touched her stomach and said loudly, "You eat too much."
For Mackie, it was the moment she saw her body differently for the first time. Up until then, weight had not been an issue that affected her life. But after that comment, she began to feel judged and insecure.
In the 90s, when ideals of extreme thinness dominated pop culture, it wasn't the only time she encountered such messages. However, it was the first direct comment, made face-to-face, that remained etched in her memory.
Today, Mackie admits she's gone through different body sizes, but she's never felt completely comfortable with her weight. She doesn't know if the woman said it as a joke, offhand, or as a way to get close. But whatever the reason, she says she still feels that touch and that sentence with the same clarity.
"You have to work twice as hard" – Nikesh Shukla
Nikesh Shukla grew up hearing from his mother that, as a child of immigrants, he had to work twice as hard to have half the opportunities. For many children of similar backgrounds, this sentence is familiar. But for Shukla, it became a heavy burden.
He worked hard, but often never felt good enough. He constantly sought approval, striving to excel in school and later in his career, linking his worth to relentless work.
For a long time, he harbored this anger towards his parents, thinking that they had placed an unfair burden on his shoulders since childhood. But a sentence he heard from a friend, to whom the therapist had said it, changed his perspective: the problem was that his parents had been right.
They weren't burdening him unnecessarily, but were trying to prepare him for a society where opportunities were not distributed equally. Shukla realized that his anger had been misdirected. His parents had given him the best advice they knew, with the means at their disposal.
In the end, he admits that hard work has brought him to where he is today, but adds that anger should not be directed at parents who warn their children, but at the system that forces them to give such warnings. /GazetaExpress/
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